Not going out

So I'm currently back in hospital receiving my 3rd and final dose of what I like to call "3 day evil chemo". This is the stuff that makes me loose my appetite (not like I have really found it after last time), and generally makes me feel a bit rubbish. But like I say this is my last dose of the 3 day, and then I just have 2 further daily top-ups over the next couple of weeks, and I should be done for chemo, hurrah!

A week after the last chemo I am due to have a CT scan, this will check to see what nasties I have left in my body. If the chemo has done the trick, the growth will have turned into scar tissue and this will deteriorate over time. However it is possible that I could have a different type of rogue cancer cells in my body, in this case I will have to have a operation to remove them. This would mean about another 5 days in hospital, and a 6 week recovery period. If they do have to operate this will happen about 6 weeks after the CT scan, which means my life would not get back to normal until June! So I'm guessing the CT scan day will be D-day for me.

Cancer has put my life temporary on hold, and I do miss doing everyday things. Because chemo causes my immune system to be low, I have been avoiding contact with large groups of people. This means I spend most my time at home apart from the weekly visits to Southampton. I have managed to escape a couple of times for a band practice or odd meal when I have felt up to it. So what are the things I miss the most? I have made a list:

Going out:
I do miss being able to go out on a Friday / Saturday night. Going for a meal, having a few drinks, going to see a band, having a few more drinks, and dancing to some cheesy music, oh and having a few more drinks. Anyone who has been out with me in the past would know I have quite a unique and entertaining dance style.

Gigging:
Don't know if I have mentioned, but I play bass in a band called Hybrid, a shameless plug here but you can check out our Website and find us on Facebook. We have been gigging for over 2 years and built up quite a good following. There is nothing better then playing a good gig where the whole crowd are dancing to your music and going mental. Sometimes they do tend to go a bit too mental and fall into equipment and spill drinks over stuff, but it's all good fun. Some personal highlights for me have been playing the Weymouth Quayside music festivals. I lost count of how many people must of been watching us play there, but a rough estimate is 500.

Weekends away and holidays:
We (me and my other lovely half) have quite a few weekends away planned. Going to Alton Towers, having a weekend in Paris, IOW and Glastonbury festivals as well as planning to go Skiing in Whistler next January. Paris might have to be put on hold for now as we were planning to go in May, but we will see.

Work:
I know a lot of people will find this strange, but I do miss working. I am currently able to do some work from home, but its not quite the same as working in an office. As well as the work aspect, I also miss the social aspect of work. You get to interact with so many people, a lot different to just talking to myself at home.

So although my life has temporary been put on hold, maybe for longer than expected if I have to have a operation, I still consider myself quite lucky that my treatment is quite short. There are people in hospital with me now a lot worse off than me.

So for now "Que Sera, Sera.

Positive thinking

Hopefully anyone who knows me and reads my blog would know that I'm a fairly positive person. However I have been feeling a little bit down over the past couple of days, so what's caused this? It's not the fact that my treatment has made me loose my appetite and makes me feel nauseous, or that most normal aspects of my life have been put on hold.... it's other peoples attitudes to life.

On the Internet these days there are a lot of social networking sites that can let you share your every thought or feeling. This is all very well until you get people who post nothing but negative things. "I'm tired", "I have a bit of a cold" etc...

I don't like posting negative things, mainly because it's not the kind of person I am, and I also think no one will be interested. If you have nothing good to say, don't say anything at all.

I know my current situation is not ideal, but there are people in the world a lot worse off than me. I'm grateful for all the thing I do have: A wonderful girlfriend, great friends and family, a lovely home and a good job.

People do take these normal things for granted at times, and get caught up in the here and now. At the end of the days we are only human. This reminds me of a course I once took at work, part of it included Maslow's hierarchy of needs, there is a wiki article you can read on it here.

I won't go into details as the wiki article does this more justice than I ever could, all I'm trying to say is that we all get very settled in our part of the pyramid, and take the lower levels for granted. As I'm currently doing battle near the bottom of the pyramid where my healths concerned it's given me a chance to reflect what's truly important and matters in life. This just leaves me to quote "Live everyday as if it were your last, as you don't know what's round the corner"

As for the negative social networking people, they have now been removed as I have no time for people like that in my life.

My next blog will be back to my normal entertaining standards, once I think of something to write about.. ideas on a postcard please.

Hair today, gone tomorrow

Chemotherapy has a lot of side effects.... most of them bad. Well at the end of the day it's expected as it is basically poison getting injected straight into your veins. One of the worst side effects for me is the nausea you feel after a 3 day chemo session. This is once again caused by the fact that you body has poison in it, so your body's natural defence is to try to reject it and get it out your system. But I'm given lots of anti sickness drugs to keep this at bay, and I know that this will wear off within a week after my experience from my first 3 day session a few weeks ago.

But one of the most distressing sides effects is supposed to be the fact your hair will fall out. This started happening to me about 3 weeks into my chemo. Because I knew I was going to loose my hair, I had not had it cut for some time... did not really see the point if it was going to fall out any way. So one morning I was having a shower, washing my hair, when a big clump of it came out in my hand, and then the more I washed, the more hair would come out.

For some reason I thought my hair would fall out quickly, or maybe I would just wake up one morning with no hair, but this is not how it happens, it seems to fall out gradually over weeks. When it got to the point I could see bald patches through long locks of hair, I decided enough is enough, and it was time to visit the hair dressers and get a trim. I went in one Friday morning, and rather than getting the whole lot shaved off, I decided to get a grade 3 at the back and grade 4 on the top. I thought this would be less shocking. The result looked something like this:

Over the next few days, the hair kept falling out, and my new shorter grade 4 hair cut was showing more obvious bald patches, and frankly just looked a bit silly. So by the time Monday morning came around, I decided it was time to lose my hair.  As I don't have an electric razor, I got the lovely L to shave my head using her Lady Shave. This is my current look one week on:

I have still not quite got used to my new bald "image", I sometime see my reflection in mirrors and think "who's that?". Also I think my ears are too big to suit having a bald head, and that I look a bit like Dobby the house-elf  from Harry Potter (not Dobby from Peep Show!). But the lovely L still says I look gorgeous, bless her. On the positive side, I will be saving a fortune on shampoo and hair product.

Also as my hair has not completely gone yet, if you were to stroke my head, it feels just like Velcro. So really handy for sticking fuzzy felt shapes to, or I would be great target practice for a Velcro ball game.

The good news is my hair will eventually grow back, and apparently it will grow back thicker. So even though my hair... or lack of it looks different now, and takes a bit of getting used to, it's no worse than some of my previous hair styles.. I now give you my life in hair:

Me as a baby with even less hair than I have now.

Aged about 5... check out those sideburns!

The hair I could live with, the teeth I got fixed.

On my 23rd Birthday. Blond highlights and curtains, what was I thinking? I rightly got the nickname of 80's boy. 

And finally me at a works Xmas party a few years ago. I like this one, quite 007 like.

So that's my life in hair, or part of it. We all have good and bad hair days, or as you can see from me I had bad hair years! But the main thing is we can look back at these times and laugh about them.

Until next time.

Cancer Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope

A short time ago, in a galaxy near, near, bye...

So this is my 2nd ever blog, but 1st for my very own blog page. My 1st blog was a guest post on my lovely girlfriend's (gf) blog, if you have not read it you can find it here.

I had a lot of very good positive feedback, so this has encouraged me to write some more... you only have yourself to blame people. Just to update people who don't know, I'm currently using this blog to share my experiences and thoughts about my ongoing battle with cancer. The phrase "Battle with Cancer" got me thinking, this sounds very cool, so I'm going to compare, or parody for a better word my battle with one of the best films of all time: Star Wars: Episode 4!

Now for anyone who has not seen Star Wars, what the heck have you been doing all your life? Stop reading this, and watch it now! Else the following contents of this blog will make very little sense to you, and contains spoilers. Also watch episodes V and VI, but don't bother with I, II and III, we will just pretend they were never made. Anyway I digress, as you will find I will probably do quite a lot in forthcoming blogs. As it said in my school report "Stephen is very easily distracted" and working in IT means I have the attention span of a gold fish. Squirrel!

So back to Star Wars. I originally thought that my cancer would be Darth Vader, and I would be Luke Skywalker. After further thought, I decided this would not work. The whole thing with the cancer being my father is just a bit weird! (I warned you about the spoilers people).

So if I'm not Luke, then who am I? I'm something much bigger than Luke, Obi-Wan, and before you ask, no I'm certainly not Leia. I'm something that's even bigger than "The Force"... I am The Galaxy. And you can't get much bigger than that.

As I'm The Galaxy the cancer wars is taking place inside me. The Dark Side is the cancer, members and ships of the empire, are the evil cancer cells with Vader being the most evil and commanding cell. The Death Star is the cancer growth.

But on my side I have The Rebels, these are the good cells in my body helping to fight the cancer, along with The Force, which is the binding, metaphysical and ubiquitous power of chemotherapy. I will admit I got those last few big words from Wikipedia.

So how else do these Cancer Wars effect me? Well the part where Vader cuts off Luke's hand has a direct effect where I have cannula in my hand. Not really quite so dramatic as the use of my had has only been reduced to about 40%. So no cool replacement robotic hand for me!

Also I see the chemo, or the force going to work like the final scene in the film destroying The Death Star. With the help of the good cells Rebel Fighters and Luke and R2-D2 in the X-Wing putting the final blow into the heart of The Death Star / Growth.

The only difference in the outcome I want between my Cancer Wars and Star Wars, is the Death Star along with Darth Vader and all The Empire be completely destroyed. But if this is not the outcome, so be it... bring on Episode V and let battle commence again.

May the force be with you..... always.

Scratch that thought, if like I said the force is chemo, I don't want that to be with anyone, unless of course you really need it (which I hope you don't), in which case "May the force be with you... for the short time you need it"

Hmm, does not quite have the same ring to it, maybe I'll work on that.

Until next time...